Dear Miss LARE,
I am engaged. We don’t really have a lot of mutual passions yet, but that’s okay, because then we have time alone to focus on ourselves individually. He has an obsession with gaming with “the guys”, like every weekend, he will play for twelve to fourteen hours at a time. So a lot of the time I go with him and try to play, because that gives us time together, and I get to know his friends.
One of my fiancé’s friends has been hitting on me. It is weird that it didn’t start until after I got engaged. Now all of a sudden when he’s joking with sexual innuendos he looks directly at me when he says them. When he talks to me he caresses my arm and back if my fiancé is not around. When he does the guy hug at the end of our time together, he tries to give me a kiss. He even bought vinyl lingerie and black stilettos for me, and showed me the ensemble when my fiancé was out picking up dinner. He said they were my perfect size and he wanted me to model them for him.
Of course I told him no and I’m not interested, but he doesn’t seem to be taking no for an answer. I don’t want my fiancé to lose this friendship, because he’s known this friend longer than he’s known me. What do I do?
Nervous in Colorado
Response
Dear Nervous in Colorado,
First off, congratulations on the engagement. That is very exciting. But let’s get down to the brass tacks.
Yes, this problem happens sometimes. There are people who want something they know they can’t have. It’s in our blood.
Please don’t be offended, but are you sure you aren’t giving off the wrong vibe? I assume so, based on your story. Here’s a few things you want to try.
#1. Make sure you tell him you are not interested in a very stern voice. Don’t even say you are flattered, but no. You have to say no, period.
#2 When you are playing whatever games you are playing, pick a chair that makes this man physically turn to you if he wants to look at you. Your fiancé should notice his friend is talking to you, not to the group in general.
#3 Do not EVER be alone with him again. You don’t want to give him any opportunities. If that can’t be helped, I’m going to tell you to do something I normally would frown upon, but in this instance, it might be necessary. If you have to be alone with this man, immediately grab your phone and make phone calls. It doesn’t matter who you call. Just call anyone until and chat until your fiancé is back. I wonder if you have a friend you could have on standby. You don’t need to tell them anything, just say you need a backup when there’s an uncomfortable situation.
#4. This is a last resort, because of their friendship. Tell him if he doesn’t back off, you will tell your fiancé about it. You don’t want to because of the friendship, but you will. I don’t know if you’d want to tell your man about it or not. Personally I would. But some won’t.
If you can’t, then you need to stop doing these gaming weekends with everyone. Talk to your fiancé and tell him you are no longer interested. You don’t want to intrude on his friendship time, but you deserve time on the weekend as well. Negotiate.
I hope this helps and it works. Let me know!
Miss LARE