How to Deal with Control Issues

Dear Miss LARE,

I have a sister who thinks she’s the center of the universe and wants to control everyone. We are dealing with a family member who has medical issues. She wants me to deal with all the problems by myself, because conveniently she lives far away. I understand that. 

But she wants to tell me how to deal with it her way. She orders me around. My way of thinking isn’t hers. I think I know what’s best for the family member from my point of view, but I have to deal with it my own way, since I’m the one dealing with the problems. She gets mad when I don’t listen to her “advice”, which is just her bossing me around. She yells at me, doesn’t shut up long enough for me to say anything, and is sometimes extremely rude. I’m tired of the control, and want her to just go away, deal with her own life, and let me handle mine.

How do you deal with someone who you have to play nice with, but they don’t want to?

Hair Turning Gray Too Early

Response

Dear Hair Turning Gray Too Early,

I am sorry you are facing the medical issues. That has to be rough. And a family member “helping but not helping” isn’t easy on anyone. One advantage is there is distance between you, so things can be compartmentalized. I’ve got a few suggestions for you. This is what I’d do in your situation, and what I would tell a close friend.

#1 Do you have  legal things in place? Like a Power of Attorney? If that’s the case and you are appointed, you are in control. Tell your sister that, and you have the right to deal with things your own way. If she doesn’t like it, tell her to take over as legal representative (iff that’s an option), or back the heck off.

#2 It is the responsible thing to do to keep her in the loop. She is your sister, and is related to this family member. If there’s important medical things she needs to know about, please tell her. It’s not cool to hide this, even if your inner child wants to. It is the responsible thing and adult thing to do. Tell her you have something to bring to her attention, tell her the facts, keep it short, and get off the phone.

#3 Do you have someone else in the family, or a close friend you can vent to? Whether it’s about your sister’s actions or about choices you are thinking about making. Having a sounding board is always a good thing. It will make you feel better, and an outside person may see things in a different light. Just don’t pounce on them if it’s advice you don’t like. Remember, you are in charge of the situation, and it’s ultimately up to you.

#4 You said you get into screaming matches. That is not good. If you want to avoid that situation, send her an email or a text. If you don’t want to talk to her, don’t answer the phone. I’e heard of people blocking callers. Don’t do it. You might regret it later.

#5 As a last resort, have someone be a mediator when the two of you have to deal with each other. Preferably someone in the family, but it should be someone who is impartial to the two of you. 

I hope this helps. Send me an email if you need anymore suggestions.

Miss LARE